Pie in the Sky

The shape of the 8th

Hoping against hope and kicking against the pricks (to use two favorite phrases from The Apostle, who knew much about hope and more about , , , never mind), a handful of proposals for the U.S. Congress for 2015 - three about rules and two about language:

• that the Speaker of the House and the Majority Leader of the Senate (beginning immediately) never be from neighboring states and that at least one must be from either north of the Mason-Dixon Line or west of the Missouri River. (No part of Ohio south of Delaware can properly be considered as north of the Line.)
• that the Senate be returned to majority rule.
• that in the House the Hastert Rule be repealed. (My Uncle Albert has declared that he is happy to write Dennis “to condole with him on the demise of that piece of political jackassery.”*)
• that the term “in power” (as in “party in power”) be expunged from legislative discourse.  (The “party in power” shall become the majority; it may not be in power, if certain other (even more pious hopes) be realized.
• that “concession” also be expunged and that “compromise” never be uttered with a sigh or weary smile.

For proposals about the much more politically fraught realm of professional and college sports, see here.

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*Uncle Albert wants to know, incidentally, how the current speaker can describe the House of Representatives as “the people’s House,” as long as the rule remains in effect.

Light Into Darkness

Speaking of hope: Three propositions about professional and three more about college sport. (I do not including the obvious, that Major League Baseball give up on the Godcursed designated hitter.) 

• That the National Basketball Association ban tattoos.
• That the National Football League rewrite the rules to treat quarterbacks
  like other backs, wingbacks, fullbacks, tailbacks, halfbacks, corners, and safeties.
• That in return, they be allowed to call their own plays. In fact, they will call their own plays:
            - that electronics be banned from the floor of the stadium.
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• That the college football “regular” season be limited to 11 games and bowl games be limited to 5, all to be played in Texas, Florida, and Southern California on New Year’s Day.
• That the college basketball “regular” season be limited to 24 games and so-called March madness end by February 28.
• That college basketball coaches coach only during the week and at halftime. None shall be in the arena during the game itself. Further,
            - that no time-outs be allowed in the last three minutes of any half. What
               is this time-out sh** anyway? - sounds like a play-ground rule, like
               backsies.